Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
