I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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