he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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