New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
