so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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