My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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