Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
