Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
