I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Randomize
