she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
it glows. i had to have it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
