screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
