so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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