I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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