Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
