I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer