If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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