Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
