I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
