My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
