obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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