Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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