I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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