i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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