i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
