Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
