Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
