After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
