words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
