end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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