Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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