I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
