hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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