There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
