I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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