you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
