why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
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he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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