My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
