The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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