Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
