please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
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Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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