No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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