Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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