my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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