My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
