remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
