The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
