i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
