wrigley field is MILF paradise
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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