nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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