i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
