She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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