We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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