Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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