nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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