who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
