how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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