a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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