Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
