In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
