I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.