Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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