You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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