allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
time to smoke my breakfast
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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